My Dad Died
We weren’t really close. Ever. Even when I moved back to Portland to live with my dad at 15, we never had much of a relationship. In many ways, he was “the guy I lived with” rather than “my dad”. He was not open minded. He was extremely stubborn. He was untrusting, even to his own sons. He drank and smoked every day of his mature life, eventually leading to liver cancer, blood clots, and death.
I’m having hard time finding exactly how to feel. To say “I never saw this coming” would be completely untrue. His drinking problems were out of control; he was an addict, not only to drinking and smoking but also to (ironically) control. He was, as some would say, a control freak. He would never let anyone in, and hardly ever expressed his true inner feelings (and only then would they emerge under the drunkest of circumstances).
I have a hard time determining whether or not I love my dad. I feel like I should, simply based on status alone - he’s my dad so I love him. I don’t know if that’s true, though. I’ve been thinking about what love means recently. I tried coming up with my own definition, but then I got lazy so I turned to The American Heritage Dictionary which describes love as, “A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.” I, unfortunately, can’t recall if I’ve ever felt that with my dad.
This wasn’t intended to be a bash on my dad. Had he been able to free himself from his addictions, I think he could’ve been a really nice guy. But that wasn’t his way. That’s not what he wanted. One thing I can say about him is that he lived life his own way. He didn’t follow the herd; he made his own path and lived life his way.
We’re going to have him cremated today and a service will be held on Tuesday or Wednesday. A few of Dad’s brothers, Mike and maybe Floyd, and his sister, Pat, will come up - none of whom I’ve seen for 8 years or more. Shawn and mom are coming, too. It’ll be nice to see my family again, albeit briefly and under such circumstances.
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September 1st, 2006 at 3:02 pm
Hey Dean, sorry to hear about your dad. I have the same kind of relationship with my dad - in fact I have no idea what he looks like or how he lives his life!
I’ve never known anybody that’s died… so I can’t really offer any words of advice or “I know how you feel”, sorry!
September 5th, 2006 at 9:33 pm
Hey hon, I wanted to call a couple times over the weekend to check on you, but I didn’t want to bug you. I’m sorry that you’re having to go through this thought process right now. It sounds like you recognized things about your dad (both positive and negative), and made some kind of acceptance and peace towards him over it…and in my definition, that’s a form of love. Maybe not the entire conventional sense, but it’s an aspect. In the end, you were there for him as much as you could be and as much as he would allow you, and that’s all one could ask for. You did what you could you know? You and Christina call me if you need anything!!!
September 6th, 2006 at 6:06 pm
You know I was thinking about you recently, knowing that your birthday was coming up, I didn’t come on to your website to hear this kind of news…not that it’s a bad thing to know what is going on in a friends life…I can understand what you are feeling, mixed emotions about losing the person that was your father. Having lost a parent, I guess I can relate. But if you weren’t as close as most father-son relationships are supposed to be, then I’m sure you will deal with the loss the best way you know how. Everyone deals with loss in a different fashion. I am here if you need anything…I do miss hanging out, and have thought that we should all get together for lunch one of these days soon. I know you have a bit on your plate right now, so just let me know if I can be of any help. Love ya, Katie