Dean(ish)

Sometimes we meet people who change our lives forever. Sometimes for good, sometimes for bad, but we always end up learning something from that person and taking away good life values. On the other hand, sometimes we meet people who make absolutely no sense and, as such, our lives are only richer because we make fun of them. We might question their existence, their purpose, their goals, and/or their parents.

As a quality supervisor in call center environments, I’ve monitored hundreds of people and thousands of phone calls, but there is not one who could compare to the quality that exuded from this particular individual whom we will henceforth refer to as Neo (because I can’t think of anything more clever at the moment). Neo is truly one-of-a-kind; those un/lucky enough to know him are always taken aback by his… interesting… range of vocabulary, skills in persuasion, and inherent ability to confuse the living crap out of anyone within earshot. This collection is a veritable “best of” Neo’s most inane comments that he made to real-live customers.* Enjoy.

1. “You would be happy to send in those documents…”
2. “If you want, you’re more than happy to call that facility.”
3. “If you want to leave a message, you’d be happy to call me back.”
4. “You’d be more than happy to have the lawyer contact me, but I won’t be speaking to him due to this is legal actions.”
5. “You’d be more than happy to call back on the actual aspect itself.”
6. “You’re more than happy to give me a call and leave a message upon that.”
7. “Since you’re not receiving any assistance from what you’re looking for…”
8. “We can find a facility in your closest vicinity.”
9. “Are you pretty close to your home residence?”
10. “You have to understand that the actual aspect of customer assistance is assisting the customer.”
11. “What happens is that when our representatives work with a facility closely, this is a specific representative that works with this facility.”
12. “That would be dependent on which option you would choose to prefer.”
13. “I was consorting with my brain…”
14. “We were meddling in our brains…”
15. “Sucks dogs!”
16. “Puppy chow in a half-shell!”
17. “This day is sucking a dog in heat!”
18. “I’m back to my pain of child.”
19. “I do apologize that you’re running around the mulberry bush.”
20. “I’m grasping at needles in a straw.”
21. “That’s definitely a good lump of sum to put down.”
22. “Can you shed some lights on what I should do for this customer?”
23. “I can look and see what we can come with you up on this.”
24. “I will document everything and give him the heave-ho on that.”
25. “Good afternoon, and I appreciate you holding.”
26. “That is an automatic situation.”
27. “That potluck was a sham of life.”
28. “Thank you… for the assistance of life.”
29. “I apologize that you’re having a malfunction of life.”
30. “We can’t reimburse insurance since it’s a contract aspect.”
31. “That’s a normal aspect.”
32. “I can help you with getting you something that helps better with your climate as well as perspective.”
33. “It’s like you always say… it’s up to your perspective.”
34. “That is not something that is worried about by the warranty aspects of it.”
35. “I’m sorry you’ve had to endurinate all of this.”
36. “… if the vehicle was that stolen…”
37. “How do you feel like being back?”
38. “You will reach back with me at…”
39. “I want to tell you a question…”
40. “Tell me what I can hear. Any good news?”
41. “The warranty is not even working on it…”
42. “The concern is caused due to not of his own.”
43. “The updated disc is the only one they have on staff right now.”
44. “Well, let me give you a case number for ya!”
45. “Customer provided inaccurate informations to them for the contracts, and due to this actions, they would be unable to honor that.”
46. “Any out of pocketed costs or anything?”
47. “How you doin’ ‘day, ma’am?”
48. “I did show here that it was not actually contracted underneath an actual warranty.”
49. “We’re more than happy to help out, even though we’re unable to assist with the warranty on that, but we’re more than happy to look into possible assistance towards getting you something else which we’re more than happy to do at this point for ya.”
50. “I’m more prepareder to offer an option to ya at this point.”
51. “I do understand for the frustration with that.”
52. “There’s no way we’re able to assist with on getting you this.”
53. “That is itself would be on a case by case basis.”
54. “…for the inconvenience you did incur on.”
55. “Well per that itself, for this other thing, depending on the circumstances itself, it would depend with the consideration with that.”
56. “Well, you know, would it be actually helpful for us I guess.”
57. “No, that’s not what I’m acclaiming, sir. What I’m acclaimed, and I’m advising your wife on this, is that this will not be covered for it, or anything that does take place on this unless it’s been determined what’s been taken place with this.”
58. “It is that we actually have your documents concerned in documented in our files here.”
59. “If we’re able to offer an option to ya, I’m more than happy to look into possible assistance if that’s something that’d be acceptable upon that.”
60. “I wanted to offer something upon us for the inconvenience for this, and I’ll get that situated right away for ya if that’d be OK for ya.”
61. “Go ahead and give me the best options for getting in touch back with you upon telephone number as well as time and day and just relay that back to your case number.”
62. “I received your survey that you sent out towards our partner for the concerns that ya took place. And I wanted to follow up upon this to see if there was somethin’ that we were able to provide assistance upon.”
63. “Which options are you looking to be assistance upon?”
64. “If you have any thoughts of any concerns with that, I can direct you into a facility and you can speak with them upon that, if you choose to do that route.”
65. “That is a great question on that, sir. That information we don’t particularly have information upon.”
66. “That in case sir, that is something we are going to have to handle with your facility.”
67. “If you’re able to get in touch back with myself…”
68. “Unfortunately I did come in with at this point in time which now at this point your product is outside of warranty I was not attached to it previously.”
69. “The only steps is to try to get it repaired.”
70. “I would take in on a long trip to make sure for myself that it was okay.”
71. “And you send money out upon that billing statement?”
72. “So the concern is currently coming out of that?”
73. “Did he advise you what the aspects of the concern dealt with?”
74. “That would be dependent on what you’re currently seeking to assist with further with this as well.”
75. “Their concerns specifically was dealt with that aspects of it.”
76. “That roog… regulator…”
77. “Was this product itself, was it caused to any concerns with the representative either yourself or the other party, or did this actually something that occurred with something that occurred with the product specifically?”
78. “Anything else I’m further assist with at this time, sir?”
79. “So at that point in time back in August, you were advised that if you want to further move up the assistance on this and go into the litigation part of it, you can always contact them and you can actually start up a case with them to advise on the situation and they might be able to assist further. You can always contact them since the options we advised you on this is not satisfactory to you. But that would be the only options.”
80. “That would be the only other options.”
81. “Generally what happens with that is they’ll actually research the options with the facility and see what options can be done on that option there.”
82. “Now what he’s advised me on this, itself, is that he’s more than happy to work on your product.”
83. “And he’s a good customer, he does all of his things and all that hippy stuff over there?”
84. “Money’s always perfect when you get to savin’.”
85. “How can I do for you?”
86. “Well that itself is a good question itself.”
87. “I’ll go ahead and reopen those once I do receive those, that way we can assist with this assistance for the reimbursement.”
88. “Per the information I do have available through here, with your representative that you were workin’ with, unfortunately, and I do apologize for the past information on that product in the last three years, we don’t carry the same information so unfortunately, without any assistance prior to that being documented with us on this concerns, there’s not much we could have went by.”
89. “Now we are employees with our facility, and we’re more than happy to assist with that, but the last time I show here that we were receiving assistance upon was a while back, and that was a one time information where you had a concern with the product.”
90. “Complete history itself, we would have to definitely be assisted upon it, but I’m not for sure what exactly what currently were you seeking from.”
91. “I’m just sayin’ on that there’s no assistance to be able to be assisted at this point.”
92. “Generally what happens with that is they’ll actually research the options with the facility and see what options can be done with that option there.”
93. “At this point of time the options of assisting with payments, that itself would be declined at this point since it was not an option that you took advantage when he offered that back in the day.”
94. “Sure, I definitely understand that. Now, with that itself, now if it this company like I said if they deemed it, if it was, they probably would’ve already sent that one out. Good question on what does take place with each product out there. There’s so much information that it’s on internet, or they read in newspapers and stuff, which is something that doesn’t come from this company.”
95. “…hold the documents, y’know, nearby where you know it’s available.”
96. “That is a great question for that sir. Now, with it itself, if this company does deemin’ it as an issue itself, then of course then they would send out a recall pertaining to that. That doesn’t mean it won’t happen or anything in the near future, near anything that’s possible, but, uh, on towards that on why they would not. At this point, good question.”
97. “Oh, you know, war is life.”
98. “Let me ask a quick question for ya…”
99. “Why don’t you try a read for on this one?”
100. “We always like to check with our family members to find out what currently they are seeking from us here at this company towards further assistance towards this.”
101. “Sir, normally itself to find out what the customer is seeking, especially since a recall was replaced on your product were they did a part from the facility. Facility concern, if they did not take care of that correctly, course that between yourself and the facility.”
102. “Calling you back due to a voicemail not received.”
103. “Should be arriving in this next three weeks upon that.”
104. “Don’t want a customer very unsatisfibied with what I do.”
105. “He’s looking for cost assistance on a repair that did take place.”
106. “Now, upon what you see there, itself, do you agree with cost assistance towards this itself if we’re able to?”
107. “I appreciate your information ‘day.”
108. “If you don’t mind holding for about 2-4 minutes, I could check another route for ya to see if there is anything for ya on that?”
109. “I don’t show any information for that, itself.”
110. “What is your local address out there at your facility at your home?”
111. “…take a look here… the closest facilities out to your location there in Arkansas now for as what it shows here let’s see here…”
112. “Also I would like to offer an option to ya as well.”
113. “If you don’t happen to receive that in 3-5 weeks, you’re more than happy to give us a call back here.”
114. “OK, that’s your address… for your location… that you’re at… for work.”
115. “And generally, what it’s occurs on is when you need to actually when it gets down to low enough in that system ’cause it is calculated…”
116. “It won’t actually vary any of the warranty concerns.”
117. “Well you know, that is a great question on that aspect.”
118. “But itself, if you have a system and you believe and rely on that system then I would suggest working with that system but I leave that totally up to the customer of the product.”

*Some of the above Wisms have been modified from their original version to protect the names of people and businesses, but only the names have been changed; the meaning and preposterousness of the Wism itself, upon that, remains fully intact for your enjoyment.

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